Haha, I didn't realise I had quite a lot of fun times with Sok within these few months despite how busy we were, working so hard, aiming to have that poppy in our hands one day. Haha.
She brought me to Ice Cream Gallery and we had banana spilt. A few days later Oldie treat me banana split at Galería. -.- Both times I ate that without having proper dinner first.
Didn't feel good for this Chinese New Year. On the eve I had to be waken up by quarreling noises. I can't leave my house. The 2 recently borrowed ND's Cds can't play...
Will You protect my parents?
I already had my hongbaos from my parents and 2 uncles without following the old customs. Somehow... had I missed out socialising and bonding? I don't know how to build relationships and I don't make the effort. You seldom see me going around do something for someone, right? Even if I can say I love you the whole year around, without actions, you will doubt right? Some adults will use the 'you won't like it if someone do it to you' trick to convince the kids they shouldn't do something. That trick doesn't work on me.
Thanks Sok, thanks oldie both of you thought me quite a lot. (of course, not by bringing me to eat banana splits=)
Oh ya, I had 2 big dreams of A levels results. XQ's, Jie's, Rach's and mine. Freaked me out. They were good tho, no worries.
Be it good or bad, I know I will still survive and I am thankful for that already.
randomly randomly i want to go somewhere by myself perhaps somewhere with awesome breathtaking scenery do something crazy bungee jumping above waters is scary enough want to dress up myself like never before dance like mad sing like no one is there catch a concert by suju or she and go church and pray
if i really can and want to, i want to visit nasa get a dog go to maldives pick up the guitar and play it well drive a police car learn cpr play squash run like mad swim with tao li dance with eunhyuk teach chinese rock climb
but all i want now is to teach the kids well learn to be good do well reconcile treat my parents a meal shop with sok sleep
And I know I am weak and have not much to offer you
dangyunhaji haneunsi
watch avatar with Rach today. 3d. first row. =) someone broke alvin(chipmunk)'s tail at vivo listening to miracle, more than once (think you should change your ringtone le haha) dad's alarm clock rang 13mintues ago tons of books to read can't sleep bought a sudoku book for my dad, ages since I last bought him something. =) still can't sleep. saw 3 kids. one of them has a nickname 'ukimono?' out of all names... it's like calling your kid osim. -.-
It was such a terrible week. Nevertheless, God helped me through. I am so thankful. I prayed for the right words, I prayed for the friendship. I can't tell God was really helping me until yesterday, I realised that friend was facing almost a similar issue and I guessed correctly what had happened to him. Although, not totally but there is still something right. I am trying so hard to connect with God after losing my bible and after going through certain issues at home.
Nonono, I must say Rach's present is simple but it certainly melts me every time I look at it. Haha and I love her cousin! =DDD I finally find someone who has the ability to be lame and someone that I admit to be on par with. HAHA.
I love the fat theodore chipmunk. Thus, my future pet's name shall be either theodore or rexy. Ha.
BIG SIGH. The closest person hurts the most you know. Turns out that I am the one getting bullied after all.
Haha. K la, problems solved so I should not blabber about it.
Met up with Sok, watch chipmunks and got 90cents earrings. Both of us are so cheapo. Haha, worth it anyway.
At the joyous moment, I met a familiar person. I gave a wide grin and that person returned me once. Just then, I remembered that I should have stare at that person instead of smiling. Ha. Actually, I just want to let that person know... or rather some people ought to know but they don't... don't stand at the grey areas and don't do things which you aren't sure in case you hurt someone unknowingly. While watching leap years, I really questioned if that kind of love exists. Does it? Ha and I want to watch more movies leh, Miss can you don't be that busy? TAO LI GOLD!!! YOU ROCK! This is going to be the first time I am upset of certain things and decided not to talk to annoying idiot friend about it at all, at the moment. =(
Time pass very slowly. Rachel, come back asap so that we can work k? Life seem meaningless without studies. My friends are happy that they don't have to study anymore, on the other hand, I am now thinking studies is entertaining. I have not yet finish typing about the chalet; there are too much things to say.
Been worrying for my A's results actually. Sometimes I may feel super carefree, sometimes I may feel tensed and so...
Times like this without much events in my life makes me think a lot.
Yesterday there was GB farewell dinner. Full-stop. Not that it meant nothing to me, it's just that things are not quite similar without the same people and after certain things had happened. The passion faded.
When I looked at my juniors who cried and they remind me of the 4 years I spent in GB. I believe every member at a certain point will realise they had grown and learnt very much from GB. Emotions will rush and you will wonder after being equipped with those skills, how will you apply them in your future? Where will you work with the similar group of people again? Seems like never...
Things come and go but memories linger forever. Don't they?
I finished watching super junior full house, super junior-T idol world blah blah... My world kinda tilted after knowing super junior. Yea, I am a fan of theirs. There was a period of time where I am pretty obsessed with them, maybe still is. However, that kind of excitement fades away, law of diminishing ... works. I have no idea what to update my blog. I bought SIMS 3 and that was supposed to be a hugh tick plus smiley face on my wish list... yet my laptop did not have enough RAM. Miserable. Tomorrow will be A's H2 Phy P1. 1-3dec there will be class chalet (I wish this big fat idiot will come. arh I am honest) 3 more days and Rachel will be on the plane flying to nowhere. (hehs) Rachel Caine's vampires series book 5 (I think) kept repeating that the last thing to do in difficult situation is to stay still. Life has to move on. I figured that I didn't. Everytime I go out with a JC friend, I realise everything that I say has got to do with my secondary school life. There tend to be times I repeat myself. Stagnant! Goodness! It makes me ponder whether I will be able to cope with a university life (provided that I get in). Will I be pursuing what I want in the future or will I remain still and talk about previous glory and memories as though I am still living them? Life requires one to keep moving. Life cannot do without burning desire. I thought my fire died in sec2 when there was not hkk nor dc and when I realise what I have cannot afford my dreams. I wanted to do well for them so much I behaved like an hardworking ant. I reaped what I sowed. My desire now is not in the studies that I am doing, it is in astronomy, in geology and changing people's lives. If I never stop at sec2, thinking that it is possible for me to travel overseas and be the first Singaporean astronaut etc ha, perhaps, my life will not be just ashes now. A girl I knew from MI called and she talked to me as though we were really good friends. I had to look at a photo to remember I knew her in the first 2 weeks and I was really quite close to her. Guilt gnawed. Once, a man told me that he lost a lot of friends because he did not take the initiative to contact the rest or show care even though he did. Guess I am pretty much like him. There's a friend whom I want to tell ... I miss you Chew. There's another friend I realise each time I see I would hug... like a prize for the fact that I choose to live. There are some more friends that I know I treasure and feel sorry for...
God, I miss You. It's pretty immature for me to do so, but I just can't help comparing myself and other SFC members. They are almost my role models as Christians. I wonder what my life will become. I slacked. I give up challenging my mum. My dreams don't stop there tho. There are better dreams now with God in them. =) Ha. Silly as it sounds but I wish to read bible in my dreams. At least no mum in it, no opposing forces in it. ARH. Annoying.
It's a nightmare for me to think about trival things at this time.
Thanks to Rach who brought me to this Doulos ship (where I saw Evelyn!)... somehow bought this book and experience a terrific challenge. The challenge ? --> to say I am not fine. If I am not wrong, that fateful day was the first day I got myself to say 'I am fine' when I am not. It has been years. Then now when I face the truth and say I am not, I say it not only for the incident that triggered it but so many 'last time'.
more reflections... one important noted is that life is real, it is not a form of imagination.
1st oct ~ wz sent a message in the middle of the night` didn't realise we were meeting our seniors too` was elated to see them but my faint heart and exhuasted body couldn't express that` had pizza hut` seeing the seniors get into uni and are moving ahead` felt motivated` jeanie wz still the same. 2nd oct ~ a taxi uncle thought I tricked him when I was asking him to sent me to tanglin mall, about 2 mins walk away from the busstop at nowhere` met up with sok and sher` 3rd oct ~ tuition something I look forward to and dread at the same time for I know I let myself down` study with maeh?? 4th oct ~ first tuition for phy and math? am i narrow minded or do i tend to stand on everyone's shoes and forget the big picture? drank brands str for 3 days, worked as walking vampire for 3 days.
Of course we hope, who doesn't? What most important is to recognize what IS happening and don't let hope disappoint us. Hope serves to bring us through not pour us down. Try this, I've learnt from somewhere that in everyday, people says " I hope so " and feeling that these things wouldn't work out, but we should put hope in things that will definitely happen. Something like that. Make good use of hope. It's a word to bring joy.
If in the future, a person were to ask me which period of time I was at my lowest point, I would answer '09. It's a year filled with tribulations and hopelessness and an act I had to put up. I felt as though I lost my identity because I have not been hanging with the people whom I am familiar with, comfortable with. Even if I do, I realise I am not as comfortable with them as I was last time. Everyone has moved on. I have not. It takes me ages to realise. I can't let go of someone, I can't let go of the sorrowful incidents... act of childishness. You can't grow without letting go, shed your old dead skin away. I don't that burning desire anymore because I feel that wherever I land in I will be save in His hands. That mindset is wrong, someone please tell me and reprimand me. Someone close... I remembered Mr C's words were hurtful and realistic; they helped. Yea, someone like him. The consoling thing was from the way he speaks, you can tell he wasn't looking down at you or feeling you are hopeless and totally wrong. He probably felt that you just need a pull back and see what's there in life. He doesn't push facts down your throat, he just open your eyes to see. Why am I so grateful when he probably doesn't care... ...
Yesterday another close friend told me that I am too serious. Am I?
When this particular person asked me to remember to select those happy memories to keep, I realised I had already erase them all to keep the sad ones. I was only 13 or 14 how would I know which were the moments to treasure? In fact, I only remembered telling myself '05 was my very very important year with someone so I remembered most of the things which include that person. The rest? Blank. That is one regret that I have now.
The fact that I don't think flexibly can hurt a lot of people around me. Then they have to talk their way through to appease me. If not, the wall will slowly build itself.
wish you won't read this, 'cause it's part of my weaker side. in the morning when Pastor Ben smsed me and saved me from my nightmare, I teared. It was a spontaneous one which I can't work my mind to make it funny at all. Maybe I did, on the part where a woman( I know her) met an car accident and her bodies flew apart unrealistically. Despite it being so unreal, I screamed and cried and I picked up her body parts for certain cells to save another person. To think days ago I dreamt of giving another speech. Great contrast. Now I am feeling like I am lying on the water face down, any stir and I am going to sink. I must erase this nightmare. I am like experiencing what is undesirable and dying to pull myself out of this mess. I dreamt of myself learning how to fly.... dreamt of this person who have went yesterday who commented on dressing and some good friends who were my strong support and still are in my dreams. dreamt of 4D ppl.haha most of whom refuse to lend me money to buy toothbrush and toothpaste. =.= If this isn't real, who can explain to me those experienced I had in the past 2 years? If this isn't real, why will I be crying Your name in thin air? During that fearful morning with the threathening claps of thunder, I thought You were there but I didn't felt safe, even for the rest of the day. Draw near to Him and He will draw near to you
Arh. Sok, I don't want to use LJ anymore. It's not my cup of tea, so not user-friendly. Hehs. Seeing that AHO target was my least expected thing in my list for that day. Gosh. He looks cuter and cuter each time I see him. LOL. Taboleh tahan. I think it's better for me not to bother him at all but it's really difficult. It's difficult not to feel the sugar rush and my face burning when I see him. ARH. Maybe in his eyes I am after all his student, a small kid, too young for him blah blah blah. Those are facts. It doesn't harm me to wish for more, right? Hahaha, okay. Pardon me. It's nothing serious hor. Haha, for entertainment. but i really hate it when i ask him questions he don't want to answer me and when my friends asked the same questions, he answers. URGG. it always happen
I can't help it but feel that there is something lacking in me. Something that separates me from many. For instance, you know those sticker you get when you donate money? Ya, those stickers that you paid 10cents so that those people will stay away from you? Ya. I don't get the purpose of that sticker. That time I donated to this woman. Then I walked to another place seeing another woman who stole several glances of me. Well, she is shy I guess. She approached this office guy with the sticker on his shirt and he said "donated" and walked off as quickly as he could. She came over and I donated again. See, what I don't get it is, will it kill you to donate another coin?? It's not like they are asking you to donate the amount of one full course meal which probably can save another life. LIFE VS MEAL, better still, your 10cents coin. Are volunteers beggars to be rejected by us? Shouldn't we be thankful because they helped us to play a part to the needy in our own society?
Nevertheless, when I was approached the third time, I blended in with the society by saying "I donated".
Other than that, there are still some more reasons why I feel I lack of something.
Enthusiasm is agape directed at a particular idea or a special thing. We have all experienced it. When we love and believe from the bottom of our heart, we feel ourselves to be stronger than anyone in this world, and we feel a serenity that is based on the certainty that nothing can shake our faith, This unusual strength allows us to make the right decision at the right time, and when we achieve our goal, we are amazed at our capabilities. Because we are involved in a good fight, nothing else is important, enthusiasm carried towards our goal.
Life becomes a Sunday afternoon, we ask for nothing grand, and we demand nothing more than we are willing to give. In that state, we think of ourselves as being mature, we put aside fantasies of our youth and we seek personal and professional achievement. We are surprised when people our age say that they still want this or that out of life. But really, deep in our hearts, we know that what has happened is we renounced the battle for our dreams - we have refused to put up the good fight.
Your devil has tried three classical approaches: a threat, a promise, and an attack on your weak side.
The Pilgrimage - Paulo Coelho
If you really care, you will go further and search the pot of gold in one's heart.
I had nothing to say about the papers. I really did all the revision I could nevertheless, it's not the amount of work and effort you have put in that will prevail in your results. It's how much you have absorbed and truly understand and amazed by the knowledge that will show.
Sok came over to my house to study. I love seeing her unable to speak fluent Hokkien. LOL. No worries Sok, you will learn enough by coming over enough. Haha. I strongly believe Sok can go mad when it comes to studying. She tried to ask my stuff toy dog, the one and only, to eat my small red pillow? The dog obviously don't want to and can't. Sok was so upset that it rejected her. ... Oh and I am happy to see the cow again! ...
I have been slacking in doing something which makes me feel really guilty. I push the blame to the house I am living in of course. Why will I blame myself? Undeniably, I know I am at fault. Urgg. If only I am bold enough to face the problems I calculated. Sometimes I don't really trust God huh. Isn't that sad? He puts all His heart and love to craft me and make me, but I refuse to go to Him when I have an broken arm for Him to fix it. Then I left my arm dangling, like a handicapped worker, useless. URG.
Let's have a random talk today. I love my parents. Absolutely. Despite the fact that they commit all the worst things I can ever think of, I still love them. The first sweet my dad offered me becomes my favourite sweet. The first place he brought me to when my mum went to Thailand alone, is the place I will love to seek peace at when I step into the working world. My mum loves cycling, so do I. They have so much impact on me, it's tough to not to love them or shut my eyes say "that's it, you are not my mum." Ha. But you know what... everyday they bicker and quarrel... I feel like just asking them to shut up, right in the face. urgg. Nevertheless, I will just see see look look, and just listen to songs on my ipod. You think I will pray? Probably. Then at night sobbing and thinking of stupid things to make myself laugh. Stupid things like oh well.. forget it. What a challenge can one life be.
Just now Sok touch anything that she can have her hands on... LOL. There was a book where I wrote EMO things during the period nearing to my O's. Guess I will start filling in for A's. What a trend. A boring and pitiful trend, not understanding how to savour the joy of life. To think some people always say having a baby is a gift, a great gift of life. Perhaps, I should take video of that and play it on my tv in my future bedroom and watched it every morning. "ARH, a baby!!! The gift of a new life!" WOW~ Enlightenment! ... Oops, I think I am too much. urg. studies...
Perhaps like what Elsa said, wires in my brain had went haywire. For instance, when fear is triggered in me, the fear wire will send signal to laughter wire and I will laugh at ghosts. Hahaha. One good example of that is when I dreamt of my friend, a male, becoming monster who wants to kill me and I was horrified. The reality (in the dream) turns out that my mum came home and she was more horrifying because I know she don't allow this guy to come my house. And my monster/friend become my friend again, scared of my mum too. ... Right.
Night. Off to study with my lovely brain cells. And I know I am a terrible object of concern for Him.
Sometimes words only meant something in that moment. The significance doesn't last forever. Yet, they never fail to leave a tingling feeling in the heart which I refuse to let go. Noob. I really wonder whether those words which you said in that second are sincere or not. I bet they are, just that, now they doesn't seem like anything...
I feel so exposed. ... I dreamt of Sidah and something bad happened in her house. Then lynn, cindy and I pulled her out of the house to go shopping! I felt morose inside though. The last few minutes when I was waking up, cindy was pulling my hands. I woke up with that pressure on my fingers. Gosh. Do I miss you that much? I think I don't know how to be a friend. I can overly care for someone whom I don't know and totally ignores what happen to my friends. I can do that to them, ignorant to their life, on the other hand, I cannot stand it when my friends do not know anything about me. If someone really care, surely that person desires to know you more, ask you what you need in your life and be send a message of concern once in a blue moon. Irony. I don't do any of those as much as I remember. In fact I ignore most several messages. Perhaps I should find some time, quieten my heart... if I can find quiet time at home... then do something nice. You know what... I am good at thinking, coming out with plans but I am not motivated when comes to executing... That's me and it's difficult to swallow that fact that I am like that. urgg. Look in this paragraph and you see so many 'I's. That goes to show how much I love myself and the extent I put myself the centre of all things. If loving someone really motivates you to act for that person, I should have treated myself well! but I treat myself to well with online games and useless thinking. That's it. Think of what is right, noble and positive!!! ...
I love to dream. Sometimes, things that I dreamt about really happened. It was terrifying. After I get used to them and try to make use of that to perdict what happens next, it's very hard. I only managed once. ... Now I had less of those dreams. Less of reality but more of fantansy. I dream of having outings with the 6 sisters 'family', I dream of RX smiling to me, dream of HKK and LYNN fighting (I KNOW IT'S STUPID), dream of WS telling me about her brother.
The most recent dream... I dreamt of having a huge hamster! like ... right... It's really huge, about the size of my fist and it listens to what I say! Haha. SM, I think when we were in KSS I hanged out with you and your hamsters too often le. Haha.
Call me silly but listening to classical song does soften you doesn't it? Sok I read your post and took the picture. Hehs. Oh well... I miss her too and her dog. Haha. I am so tempted to call her house and ask how's the dog but that's like a little impolte? Haha. I thought I'd felt numb. Afterall, a relationship takes 2 hands to clap, lack of one presence doesn't help. Nevertheless, I went to Sly's blog and Kissi Knights' blog and her blog of course which does shows that I do miss her... and love her. Don't I? Beautiful snoopy. Do not let the memories fade away because those are the most beautiful ones I had with you. Anyway, the ice creams you loved are getting more expensive! ... I will see you in another few decades yea? =D On that day I had camp but I was fully aware of the date.
Hui Ling 040491
really really wants 'Marrying Mozart'
Matthew 17:20 He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."
