my mind is jammed with so many thoughts that this whole post is like a uncompleted jishaw puzzle
I had a ancient scene in my mind today. I was standing in front of 3 gates, or rather, I was surrounded by some, it's just that I only focused on this 3. It seems that I had been standing there for quite some time but I cannot see anything beyond the gates. Then, today, God shut the metal gate on my right. The gate is the kind that moved from ceiling to the ground. From the look at it, you know it's heavy and to lift it up is almost impossible.
I'd waited for so long and now finally God shut one door; He finally showed me what He wants, though by a bit.
When that door is shut, I wasn't scared or disappointed. Instead, I was thankful I don't have to pay more than what I wanted. Yet, at the same time, I wondered if the other 2 doors would be shut. Then, where can I go?
I get very confused at this stage. To make things worse, I began to question how I should feel.
My colleague who is about my age talks to me about God. Haha. Strange but assuring because, (pardon my grammar) she told me about her situation which is 80% similar to mine. I didn't even share with her anything today.
– 8 May
2 gates shut. My luck had been going downhill.
I had another conversation with my colleague, this time, with one more. I confessed how I felt about the incidents that happened after I joined them; the feeling of guilty, remorse. I thought I brought bad luck to my workplace. HA. I was seeking something like affirmation from them and I got it. Awesome! Better still, my boss actually does support me though I thought I had failed her in many ways. She is a very kind boss you can hardly find elsewhere.
One of my colleague mentioned that I should not bring stress or unhappiness from work home, if I did, I would not be able to focus on my family. My mum said that to me before but I thought she meant I must not be unhappy at home; I should be an emotionless person. I argued with her. =( Now I understand, what both of them said made sense.
Other than what I dream to do, there are no other things I am interested here. Thus, I am half-hearted when I made my choice. Perhaps He is trying to give me time to think what I really want and what am I meant for. And I need a lot of time.
Sok was right, indeed, I had my back up plans. Perhaps I don’t have to afraid. Actually, what really frightens me is the point where everything really falls apart, that moment right before I have to turn to my back up plans. That moment would be the one when I would really break down mentally. All these time I don’t really have a friend to talk to other than Sok. It’s not that she is not good enough, I wanted someone too, and it’s someone I really want... I don’t dare to approach her. Yea but perhaps, these are the times where I would learn to depend on Him.
Something applies to Sok applies to me too. We both want someone whom know us inside out and support us all the time. I thought I had cell and that is enough but to my expected surprise, that was not true. When I received the bad news today, I struggled with it and I wanted so badly to share with me cell members. The best option is preparing to be a wife; another few should be busy with work... I feel like I shouldn’t chap in when they are busy. How sad can it get when I thought I found another family. It’s my fault I am not close to them I suppose. I had not been joining them for cell or ask them about their life.
I spent a lot of time thinking of how to let go because sometimes I asked myself why did me and this friend, that friend, came to this point. It was unfathomable. Not because I don’t know the reasons but because I don’t understand why I was like that those time and now like that.
Since young, I achieved my goals and get things I wanted effortlessly. I thought getting through these gates would be one of those natural things that would happen to me. This time, it didn’t work this way. Perhaps life had began this lesson since I stepped into JC, but I only picked up the main idea now.
-today is a gift that's why it's called present-
Saturday, May 15, 2010
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