In 2016, I gave my heart to the wrong person and I dragged it to 2017. Not only so, after dragging it the guy show signs of disappearing out of my life. Am I hurt? Yes, absolutely. Do I want him back? Yes, I do. Nevertheless, I am more clear than anyone that he's not coming back when the girl is with him. We can chitchat but how far can this go? We can be friends but what is th value of this friendship? So much for saying or telling me to be his illy girl and best friend. You used the 'cheap talk' and I choose to take it. I chose to let you lead the way when I could have taken it over.

I want to say I did my part but you don't need me in your life anymore. You really don't. You probably don't even see the value or remember there was once this girl in your life. You are very much ready to move on to her. Joey was right, you already warned me; just putting it in a very nice way.

I really hope the girl can leave but looking at how laggy you text me, I know you swung there full fledged already. What a wrong timing, what a painful tear for me, how far have you misled me?

I very much want to judge the girl, very much wishing God will come in to stop the relationship between the two of you but I ma being selfish and I am trying to play god for my benefit, for my consolation which obviously God frobids. But who, is to take care of me? Am I not trusting God? Enough?

I love You God I truly do but the desire or the temptation I fell into simply played me to make me wanting revenge God. What am I to do with this? Actually, honestly, I am just wanting for wanting. I am just desiring for desiring. There's nothing out of this. Moving on is hard but I definitely can do this one la I just dragging my feet. I hate losing I really hate it God. A check with my heart, I know You are testing something. You probably want me to recognize that I still have a part of me not molded by You, You probably want me to do something about that, You probably want me to be more like You in that area, You want a part to play in that area but I am taking control. Well, I know. I confess it now that I know. So what do You want me to do God?

A talk with Lewis and we both know what bosses are trying to do. Phrasing out and making space for new ones. To grow. I do not know how is it will be like for me but I am seeing the fire coming from afar. I need to pick up my pace right now. I need more help and assistance from Jeff. God I beg You to help me in this. Ultimately I need to succeed in this line to help my family financially and more time for my mum. More time, to practice love. More time to be molded by You for my family.

The love from God to my family will be wonders isn't it. I do recognize that there are many things I can do and I am in control, 'I can do all things through Christ who strengthen me'. I know that is true. Practice that Hui Ling. There's so much you can do than this. Trust God, trust yourself.

But I really hate this God, I truly hate this. Why can they be a happy couple but not with me God? Why???? And why let me get into his life when they eventually will get together what kind of test is that? And then why let me watch them God? Why?

The hurt is real. I hate this.