I feel very lost.

At the age of 19, I know I am not someone simple, I am not made to live this way. I know God has much more for me. I know He gave me talents which I haven't explored. He gave me chances to explore the world that I am living in, and expand it. I know I was made to change lives. I believe so. The thing is, at the age of 19, I really want to do what other 19 years old do, studying, hanging out with friends at the movies, shopping malls, doing silly things everyday and when they looked back, those will be the 'younger days'. I don't want to grow older and look back and see someone who made positive impacts in everyone's life, someone too mature for her age. Someone who had never enjoyed wild life.

But I am, already that person. I am now at this crossroad, and I have to make a choice. I don't know which one to choose. There is no one to confide in, no one smart enough, intelligent enough, someone who knows everything about life. God, what should I do?

I can picture myself as someone very busy at office, always running around, doing my work, educating the newer ones, hanging out with the grown-ups, those who know how to contribute to their family and other people's life. By then, I would have given up on more friends, for I do not have patience if people don't believe in what I believe that is good for them. Why, tell me, if I were to go around saying, by changing your attitude, don't argue with your parents at all, because that how it benefits me, who do you think would agree and really do so. By then, I would also invite more people into my life, people I would never imagine I would hang out with, people who had given up on world desires and looking out to add values to the world. I am always a social butterfly when I was young-er, hanging out only with those who knows fun. By then, I would not care about fun, I would care more about family, how to bring home joy, how to be a responsible daughter. By then, I would probably take care of my friends' parents too. Then, I would also be at higher end, become someone of success and higher status.

That, frightens me. For I have never desire to be like that. I want fun. All the long, what I want in life is just fun. But, God, why, do you set a purpose like that for me? To look out for other people for my time here? Why did you give me such a heart?

Must I make that decision?