I just miss her too much. I can’t end my thoughts. I can’t stop what I am feeling. I accept her death but I can’t get over this pain. I know it is a release of pain for her; she is free. I understand what my friends mean when they say Ru Xiang won’t want to see us in this despair. I am, struggling to be free. I can’t stop thinking of her. Yesterday I dreamt of me walking along so many rip stones but I can’t find Ru Xiang. I know she really don’t want to leave us. I remember her hand signs before we left, ‘you all are always on my mind’. I can’t forget that. I don’t understand why I just can’t stop my tap. I miss her hand. I don’t want that to be my last kiss. I don’t want… I miss her… I am like… imagining her beside me… looking at me… at times she place her hand at my shoulder and stuff... I really… cannot let her go… Tell me, how long can I let the news sink in? This isn’t a nice end at all. I know I am really like a small kid. I feel safe with her. Know that I felt so lost on the day she dies? So lost… I just cannot cry out everything… This sweetie pie… I miss her a lot… unless I know she is in peace… I won’t stop crying…