Crestfallen. I suddenly feel so guilty for what I had done to Alan, I can understand his pain finally. I am sorry yet no amount of 'sorries' is enough. A muderer finally stand in her victim's shoe. There are so many questions that I want to ask, so many of them. It's so painful... it's even more painful when you can't find a place to cry out, you can't find anyone who can lift you up other than the party involved or yourself.. There are times when I would try to put myself in some situations to understand how I would react... I thought of what happen if I lose another one... and I cried terribly.. worse than the time I cried for my sister. I am not doing the things which I always asked my loved ones to do when they land in this situation. That's it, I can't sleep tonight, again. You care for real, I believe, but you didn't care for the reason I want. Right? URGGGGGGGGG! I want to befriend you but it's so hard after what you have done.