Hui Jun thought me a lot of things last week. I wasn’t able to process at that moment so maybe now I can take some time to think.

I made a lot of mistakes in the submission no matter how careful I tried. Each time I do one submission my mind is always unclear, like there’s mist covering my thoughts.
I shared with her what April and Joanne shared with me, which is to put myself in clients’ shoe and to think about the reasons behind my boss’s action. I told her I reflected upon those words and the next submission I do I was able to be more careful and clearer of what I was doing.

I tell her I want to win very much. The more I want, the more I don’t get it. My boss asked me why I want to win so much. I answered I don’t want to lose. She began to share a story with me about Laopan. She said that when laopan open Red Olive, he was the first to do so among the similar companies. Why? It was because he wanted to serve the clients well. IN the many things that he does, he always wins. Did he do those things with a mind-set of wanting to win? No, all he wanted was to serve the clients well. Yet, he wins.

She also went deeper about my mistakes. Both she and my cousin told me that my background made me a very strong person, someone who can face challenges and will not give up. That is at the same time something that is good and bad. Good because I won’t break down so easily, bad because I won’t be able to accept myself making mistakes. She added that I was someone very responsible, which was good but, it was also bad because once I made a mistake, I would feel very bad and dwell in it.

Then she moved on to teach me 3/4 stages which everyone will face. First is unconscious incompetent, second is unconscious incompetence, third is conscious incapable/incapability and last is conscious capable/capability. The first means this person is at the stage where s/he do not know his/her mistake so is unable to change. The second means this person is aware of his mistake but unable/ doesn’t want to change. The last means this person is always aware of his mistakes and always seek to become better. I am at the aware and not changing stage so she asked how I had planned to move ahead.

Honestly speaking, I had never thought of moving ahead, as in, moving ahead by changing my attitude. I am very comfortable with who I was. Nonetheless though work and cell, I understand that I was too selfish. Because of my own comfort, I forsake my friends’ or even my bosses’ welfare. I do not give them emotional comfort and neither do I help them to improve their lives. I want to change. I really want to. But I find it really hard. Hui Jun knows that I am stubborn. So she asked how does stubbornness helped you. Why do you want to hold on to it?
I couldn’t answer her.
Until now, I have no answer.

I also shared with her about friendships. I told her I wanted to shower care for this person a lot but we had become distant friends quite some time ago. After hearing my sharing, she told me this. She had a friend whom she thought she was best friends with among this clique of 4. When she first started out, this supposedly best friend wasn’t as supportive and concerned as another. The other made sure she was in the right place and shared the same vision as her. My boss was trying to tell me not necessary sharing the same likings means that friend you would stick to forever, but it is the person who shared the same vision as you who you would naturally become long term friends with. In my mind, there are 2 people. Both of them are very important friends in my life. I told her one of them I really want to love and treasure for all my life, even when I mentioned that, my eyes were watering. The other one, I had never thought I would be friends with her close and for so long, but we were. Now, I understand why. This friend also helped me to grow, she taught me to treasure my parents, she scolded me, and she corrected me. Now all I want is to help her to grow too. Thanks.